Sometimes I wish I weren’t so bulletproof.
It’s been an emotionally exhausting week – a few weeks, actually. I’ve had to deal with one emotional blow after another. Weekends are spent in a semi-vegetative state, crying or just trying to make sense of things. Weekdays, I get up and go to work, everyone else none the smarter to the inner workings of my troubled heart.
I know that God never sends circumstances that you won’t bear up under. That’s why I wish I weren’t so bulletproof.
The irony is that most of the shots aren’t even directly aimed at me. I am collateral damage.
I can handle personal disappointments and heartaches. I rarely question God when difficulties come my way. I may wrestle with it and grieve for a short while, but I eventually surrender it to the Lord sooner rather than later. I’ve learnt to roll with the punches.
So God decided to send me a different kind of heartache this time around.
How do you deal with heartache when the ones who hurt are the ones you love?
I couldn’t help but ask God why. Why this? Why her? Why now? Why?
Through my many tears, I demanded an answer. I wanted an explanation. It was something I really struggled to accept, because what happened was something that nobody in their right mind would call good. It made me mad.
I was mad at the devil for trying to ruin something beautiful. I was mad because he tried to destroy what God has been building. I was so angry I wanted to scream and curse and throw things at the mirror. I hated that he was trying to hurt me by hurting someone I love. In my mind, I thought – this means war.
In the midst of the silent screams God reminded me – this isn’t your fight. And you know that I always win. Have you already forgotten? My son Jesus has overcome the world.
The dull ache was still there, but I knew it was no use to stay mad. God will always have his way, even though it seems like evil has gotten one over us for now.
I still hurt when I see her pain. But I no longer struggle with why. God has shown me that where there is no brokenness, there is no room for his glory to shine. He has great plans for my beloved sister. The pain is part of a bigger picture that he is painting in her life. And he wants me to see, firsthand, what wonderfully glorious things he can do.
The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy it can contain.
– Kahlil Gibran