Wandering in the Wilderness.

It’s been half a year since my last post.  So many things have transpired, and yet so little of it remarkable or memorable.  It sometimes feels like the past six months were just a black hole in my life, a vacuum that had small bursts of activity that eventually got swallowed into nothingness.  I was in the wilderness.

Have you ever felt that God was far away – that you couldn’t see Him or hear Him or feel Him in your life?  Then you’ll probably understand what I’ve gone through.

In the midst of the minor upheaval that is dealing with my mother’s cancer treatments, I had felt a growing chasm between me and God.  I was constant in prayer, and yet I felt an emptiness gnawing at me.  I read and listened to my Bible daily, my default companion in hospital waiting rooms.  And yet I couldn’t hear God’s voice.  It was one of the most difficult and trying times of my adult life, and I felt shipwrecked.  I was away from my church family – the people whose physical presence would have comforted and encouraged me.  And though my biological family was with me, they added more stress to my already large emotional burden.

Through well-meaning conversations, I came to see that my mother and my older sister were unhappy with my choice of friends and my choice of profession.  It was never overtly said (for the most part), but I sensed the disapproval in their tone.  They were expecting something else of me.

I was torn between honouring my elders and choosing what I believed was a sound, godly personal decision.  My friends were not bad influences – on the contrary, they had helped my grow in my walk with Jesus.  My career was unconventional, but it provided me the flexibility I wanted – and afforded me the time to spend with my mother during her cancer treatments.  My brain could not process why they wanted me to give up these things which were not bad.

They had wanted me to stick to my old friends, who had moved on since I left home, and whom I had also outgrown.  They had wanted me to go back to my previous profession, which I found unfulfilling and limiting.  I understood their reasons, but I still struggled with doing what they wanted me to do.

I cried out to the Lord and constantly asked why.  I didn’t really get an answer, nor any solace.  I was troubled and was left wandering in the wilderness of my heart for months.  But I wasn’t abandoned – I knew God was there.  He just chose to withdraw and remain silent.  Later on, I realised it was to see whether I would give up.

Thankfully, I didn’t.  God’s grace saw me through.

Slowly, the Lord started showing me what He had in store.  Step by step, He told me where to go.  I began to feel His Spirit speaking to me again, in quiet whispers during open-hearted prayers.  I began having fresh revelations of who He is, and what He has planned for me.  And now I stand at the edge of Canaan, waiting for the fulfilment of promises made two years ago.

Isaiah 30:18
So the Lord must wait for you to come to him

    so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
    Blessed are those who wait for his help.

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