Broken.

Every once in a while, God brings me back to a place that I’d rather forget.  A past hurt, an old wound, or a deep regret that I thought was resolved, but apparently was just buried under other pleasanter memories.

And so it comes to a point where I have to face old demons that I thought I had slain long ago.  Demons that are actually much bigger and much more difficult to overcome.

I had to face my own brokenness.

Every woman probably has come to that point in her life where she feels unloved, unappreciated, and even worthless.  For some people it is a constant battle.  For others, it may exist in certain spheres of their lives, resurfacing only when specific conditions are met.  (Family reunions are a classic example.)

For someone who is generally well-liked by her peers, highly respected and admired by friends, and loved by a small circle of kindred spirits –  I struggle with self-worth and self-esteem whenever I have to deal with my own family.  Outwardly, I may seem to be the most confident and self-assured woman you know.  But when I have to deal with my family without the loving support of my friends, I turn into a veritable basket case.  I – quite literally – spend hours crying about how unloved and unlovely I feel. It is the wound that I carry with me, which I will probably carry to the day I die.

All I wanted was to feel like I mattered.  But in a family of seven (and an extended family of fourteen), I need to accept that I will inevitably be overlooked.  That my feelings or my presence are relatively inconsequential.  That keeping the peace and pretending nothing is wrong is the only option available.

As much as I want to be whole, I will have to remain broken.

Some days, though, I just wish I can be loved for my brokenness.

 

0 Replies to “Broken.”

  1. you are loved for your brokenness. thanks for sharing. it has ministered to me (and im sure to many).

    “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
    And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
    Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
    But the LORD delivers him out of them all.”
    (psalm 34:18-19)

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