What Now?

Three weeks left into 2015, and I am realising that it wasn’t a very good year.

I got a lot done, yes.  But I got worn out in the process.

I grew in many ways.  But I also devolved into something I never thought I would become – a woman obsessed with getting married.

All the while I thought I was simply embracing the plans God has for me.  I nurtured my maternal instincts, practiced submission to authority (it was tough, but I made it), and busied myself with whatever it was I thought would get me closer to the wedding altar.  Then one November day, I realised I wasn’t anywhere near that goal.

I got frustrated.  I got angry.  I wanted to throw things against my bedroom window.  Instead, I did what most normal adult women do – I went shopping.  (I subsequently returned half of what I bought, by the way.)

After the emotional upheaval which lasted two full days, I sat back and examined my life.  I finally admitted to myself – I got derailed.  Sidetracked by the idea of getting married, banking on it happening sooner rather than later, and rearranging my life as if it were truth.  It started out innocently enough – no major life-changing decisions (except, perhaps, colouring my hair).  I went on happily with my single life.  But the longer it ran, the deeper I got stuck in the quagmire of my fruitless daydreams.

I had lost sight of what I was and what I was meant to do.  My primary role is not ‘wife’ or ‘wife-to-be’.  It is child of God.  Beloved.  Chosen.  Marital status notwithstanding.

So now I’m looking at the pieces of my upended life, and I’m wondering where to go next.  God has been patiently reminding me of the burden and the vision He gave three years ago – way before any thoughts of getting married entered my mind.

Contrary to my actions and inclinations of the past half-year, my mission wasn’t to find a husband.  My mission is to help other women find love and wholeness in Jesus.  To be mother, sister, and mentor to ladies who need affection, affirmation, and guidance.  To teach children what it means to be saved by grace.  To share the joy I have in reading and experiencing God’s word.  To open doors and break down walls, that others may see and understand how wide, how long, how deep, how high is the love of God.

And there’s no better time to start than now.

1 Corinthians 2:9
But, as it is written,
“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”