The world has ground to a halt. In the midst of a global pandemic, businesses have been forced to close, governments have instituted regional or national quarantines, airplanes have been grounded, and practically all human activity has been moved online. At the same time, hospitals are operating beyond capacity, thousands of videoconferences are held on a daily basis, broadcast and online media continue to bombard us with up-to-the-minute news. It’s a weird combination of forced stillness and unmitigated chaos. If I were to be honest with myself, it’s unsettling.
It’s been three weeks since I started quarantine (one week earlier than the rest of the city, as I was traveling before the COVID-19 pandemic started escalating where I live). The funny thing about my situation is that I literally leave affected cities days before a pandemic breaks out there. I have friends and colleagues around the world who are more directly impacted by the health crisis. Somehow, I have developed this habit of asking them the simple question, “How are you feeling?”
The first week of my quarantine was uneventful – I had a lot to keep me occupied and it was a voluntary decision, which is to say, I don’t feel trapped at all. Week 2 was a different story, as everyone else was in the same boat I was. ou would think that would make me feel better, but it didn’t. Panic and anxiety is probably more contagious than the novel coronavirus that is spreading across the globe. I felt a deep sense of unease, a lot of uncertainty, and a whole host of other emotions that are hard to pin down. I was at a loss with what I ought to do, or even what I could do.
I was unmotivated to work, even though I technically have things to keep me occupied. On the days that I actually got in the mood, I was so productive that I ran out of things to do by mid-afternoon. Then the feeling of being lost sets in again. It’s a disturbing cycle of being okay and not being okay, although if I were to admit it to myself, half the time I was just fooling myself into being okay.
I couldn’t even bring myself to update this blog, which has been neglected for over a year. If there was a time when I could write freely, this was it. But I DIDN’T want to write, and that was a problem.
Week 3 was slightly better. I am coming to terms with the situation, people seem to be getting into their groove, I’m able to work and enjoy the downtime without feeling distressed. The future is still uncertain but it feels manageable. Life goes on.
Things aren’t easy for anyone right now and I know I have it better than a lot of people. Every once in a while, though, I catch myself feeling at odds with the world. I realised that, whilst I check how other people are, I don’t get to check myself. The rare moments when people do ask, I give surface-level responses. I haven’t given myself the time or the space to just really process what I’m going through. I haven’t had a chance to really talk to someone about that I feel, what I think, or what I want. And if I don’t, the emotions are going to come out some other way, whether I like it or not.
I tend to think that I need to get it together for everyone else. But for the sake of my sanity, I need to sit back and take stock of what’s going on internally. After all, I have more than enough spare time to do it.
