On Birthdays and Milestones.

My mom asked me last week – so what’s your birthday wish?  Actually, I asked myself the same question just a few days earlier.  And I didn’t have an answer both times.

Is my life perfect?  Not really.  So isn’t there something I wish could be different?  Not really, either.  (Yeah, I find it confusing myself.)

Sitting on my bed on the eve of my birthday, I just felt this deep sense of being settled.  Content.  Satisfied.  There really was nothing that I can declare as a birthday wish for myself.  It was a very new and very strange feeling.  To not WANT anything.  It was so refreshing.

I could have asked for health and happiness and all those other things.  I can ask for the salvation of loved ones and God’s presence in their lives.  But I guess, in my mind, those things have already been answered.  Not in the present, but sometime in the future, I believe I’ll see those prayers answered.  All I have to do is wait.  So really, there isn’t much for me to ask.

Wouldn’t you wish you were married? – one might say.  Again, not really.  It would be nice, but I don’t think it is essential to a full and meaningful life.  And again, I weird myself out with these very unnatural sentiments.  Especially given my drama just a few months ago.

I realise that in the grand scheme of things, my life won’t be much different than what it is now.  If I were married, I’d probably still do the things I’m doing.  I would choose to work on the same projects, spend time with the same people, read the same books.  I’m too much of my own person to readily discard that for another human being.  And honestly, I don’t think I’d appreciate being with someone who expects me to drop my life for his.  So yeah, my life wouldn’t be so drastically different.

I recognise that having a life partner comes with some adjustments.  My schedule might shift, my diet might change, my lifestyle might take a hit.  I definitely can’t expect to have my way all the time (though of course, that would be nice.  Or maybe not.)  What I’m saying is that these things are peripheral to my existence.  I can change my mailing address, but I won’t change my purpose.  I might rearrange my priorities, but that won’t change my vision.  Knowing this liberates me to a whole new level.

Marriage may or may not happen, but the main outcome of my life should stay the same.  Whether or not I am married is inconsequential to my mission.  It is secondary to my personhood.  It does not define my destiny.  (Besides, there is no marriage in heaven.  That really levels the playing field for eternity.)

Would I be happier if I were married?  I don’t think so.  I might experience a different kind of happiness, but I can’t say it would be better than what I have now.

I know that this contentment might not last.  So I’d like to use this as a reminder to my future self – you have everything you ever need.  New stuff that comes along is just icing on the proverbial (birthday) cake.

To not wish for anything is probably the best gift I’ve ever received.

Thank you, Jesus.

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