Of Wheat Fields and Foxes.

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near —
“Ah,” said the fox. “I shall cry.”
“It is your own fault,” said the little prince. “I never wished you any sort of harm, but you wanted me to tame you…”
“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.
“But now you are going to cry!” said the little prince.
“Yes, that is so,” said the fox.
“Then it has done you no good at all!”
“It has done me good,” said the fox, “because of the colour of the wheat fields.”

The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

He had come into my life gently, quietly.  Like he had always belonged there.  And yet I can remember a time not so long ago when he was barely a part of it.

And now it seems strange – even inconceivable – for him to be anything but. A part of my life.

My heart has gone ahead while my brain was slowly trying to make sense of our relationship.  Then one day it hit me like a ton of bricks – he meant something to me.  Something more than I thought.  And definitely something more than he knew. Or even considered.

So I started building hedges around me.  I knew I couldn’t let my heart and my imagination run wild.  My logical self stated the reality I needed to hear – he would never choose you.  You are friends.  Just.  Friends.

I allowed myself to grieve.  I allowed myself to hurt.  I allowed myself to cry the tears I said I would never cry again – tears of heartache and loneliness.  Of loving someone without expecting to be loved in return.  Of silently waiting and knowing it will amount to nothing.

He was the little prince, and I, the fox.  Except that he never wanted to tame me.  And I never asked to be tamed.

And the time has come for his departure.  For my heart to heal and for him to become a memory.  Just that.

One day, I will look back on this moment and smile.  Because I know, even while I say my silent goodbye – I will always remember.  How it felt to have someone that reminded me of the beautiful things in life.  Someone who made my spirit soar by simply being there.  Someone who compelled me to run to Jesus with the broken pieces of my heart, because I knew I could never mend it myself.

Someone who had made me feel what I thought I was not capable of feeling anymore.

I smile amidst the tears because I know – I will always have the colour of the wheat fields.

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